Before He Cheats
by klarinetgrrl
Summary: Originally, this was supposed to be a one shot of how Callie would react if George cheated on her with Izzie. But then I had this idea of how George would react to Callie's reaction. And then it just kept growing from there.
1. Chapter 1

I probably should have known. Izzie was so against our relationship from the beginning. Never even truly gave me a chance. A real honest to goodness chance. I chalked it up to jealousy. I mean, her fiance was in the hospital. And then he died. But I tried being her friend. Putting my own feelings aside. For my husband. But this.. And at Joe's. Of ALL places. You would think they would be more discreet about it. Go to Meredith's house, or to a bar where all of our coworkers AREN'T.

_Right now_

_He's probably slow dancing with a beach blonde tramp_

_and she's probably gettin' frisky.._

_Right now_

_He's probably buying her some fruity little drink _

_cause she can't shoot whiskey..._

_Right now_

_He's probably up behind her with a pool stick_

_Showing her how to shoot a combo_

_And He don't know..._

Things were becoming suspicious lately, though. Always spending time at Meredith's house again. Claiming Izzie needs a friend. And no one else could be there for her but him. Her best friend. Now, now they had gone too far. Making out at Joe's. For everyone to see. I came prepared though. I never actually made it in to Joe's. Stuck outside looking in. Like always. The walk to my car was short the baseball bat and knife were easy to grab. And I happened to park right next to George's truck.

_That I dug my key into the side_

_Of his pretty little souped up four wheel drive_

_Carved my name into his leather seats_

_I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights_

_Slashed a hole in all 4 ties. _

_Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats._

It didn't take long to key the length of his truck. And pure luck was on my side that I still had a key to open his truck, using the knife to slash my name in huge looping letters across it's full length letting him know exactly who did it. The headlights were quite easy, just one powerful swing for each with the baseball bat. The tires were a bit harder, sticking the knife in and then trying to pull it back out. But it was worth it. Letting him know that I knew about him and that beach blonde tramp was well worth it.

_Right now_

_She's probably up singing some white trash version of Shania karaoke_

_Right now_

_She's probably saying "I'm drunk"_

_And he's thinking that he's gonna get lucky_

_Right now_

_He's probably dabbing 3 dollars_

_worth of that bathroom polo_

_And he don't know_

Just thinking of his hands on her made me see red. I had been understanding. I fought for us. I really tried to be apart of his McFamily. The more I thought, the angrier I was becoming.

_That I dug my key into the side_

_Of his pretty little souped up four wheel drive_

_Carved my name_ _into his leather seats_

_I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights_

_Slashed a hole in all 4 tires_

Slamming the baseball bat down, the sideview mirrors gave a sickeningly satisfying crunch.

_Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats._

I tossed the baseball bat and knife into the trunk of my own car and walked into Joe's bar. Izzie and George finally broke for air and George saw me. He at least had the decency to look guilty. I went right up to him, took his key off my key ring and tossed it to him.

_I might've saved a little trouble for the next girl_

_Cause the next time he cheats..._

_Oh you know it won't be on me_

_Oooh, not me._

But now... Now, I'm done. I'm done trying. Done trying to be friends with the entire McFamily. I'm done fighting. She can have him. And he can have the truck. I give him a satisfying smirk and walk out.

_Cause I dug my key into the side _

_Of his pretty little souped up four wheel drive_

_Carved my name into his leather seats_

_I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights_

_Slashed a hole in all 4 tires_


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Grey's Anatomy. If I did, there would be a new hospital policy at Seattle Grace. Men would be banned from wearing shirts. In fact, they might be forced to perform surgery in their boxers. So what if that's not sanitary? It would so be worth it.

I Hate Myself For Losing You

"Callie." The name slipped off my tongue as I watched her walk away after tossing me to the key to my truck. She wasn't supposed to find out this way. I was supposed to tell her. I was just waiting for the right time. But really, when was the right time to tell your wife that you were cheating on her with your best friend? Izzie and I had tried to suppress our feelings. Really tried. After all, Callie and I had JUST gotten married. I had to give it an honest to goodness chance. But all of the secret moments and stolen glances, it all just went to my head until neither one of us could take it anymore. And we were drunk.

_Oh,oh,oh_

_I woke up today_

_Woke up wide awake_

_In an empty bed_

_Staring at an empty room_

_I have myself to blame_

_For the state I'm in today_

_And now dying_

_Doesn't seem so cruel_

_And oh, I don't know what to say_

_And I don't know anyway_

_Anymore_

But finding out this way… In a crowded bar… Where all of your coworkers were…Well, it was just cruel. Because I love Callie. I do. She gets me in a way that even Izzie doesn't. In a way my family doesn't get me. Seeing her eyes flash like that, I know I've made a huge mistake and I've lost probably lost the best thing that's ever happened to me.

_I hate myself for losing you_

_I'm seeing it all so clear_

_I hate myself for losing you_

_What do you do when you look in the mirror_

_And staring at you is why he's not here?_

It's my own fault. I should have told Izzie no. Pushed her away. Izzie… And Callie… Are so different. They see me in two totally different lights.

"George. It's ok. Let her go."

"Izzie. She's my wife."

"And what am I?"

_You got what you deserved_

_Hope you're happy now_

_'Cause everytime I think of her with you_

_It's killing me_

_Inside, and_

_Now I dread each day_

_Knowing that I can't be saved_

_From the loneliness_

_Of living without you_

_And, oh_

_I don't know what to do_

_Not sure that I'll pull through_

_I wish you knew_

I push away from the bar and run outside, not even bothering to answer Izzie. She didn't need some cheap answer. Because Callie… My wife… I had lost her because I couldn't control myself. Because I was lower than scum.

_I hate myself for losing you_

_I'm seeing it all so clear_

_I hate myself for losing you_

_What do you do when you look in the mirror_

_And staring at you is why he's not here?_

By the time I pushed the door open to the outside, Callie was just roaring away in her car, tearing out of the parking lot, McSteamy in the passenger seat next to her. The key she tossed at me digging into my hand from me holding it so tightly.

_I hate myself for losing you_

_And oh, I don't know what to do_

_Not sure that I'll pull through_

_I wish you knew, I WISH YOU KNEW!!!_

_And oh, I don't know what to say_

_And I don't know anyway_

_Anymore_

_No, no_

It's my fault. All my fault. And now she'll never give me another chance. Callie is too headstrong and independent for that. I already broke her heart once. She would never give me chance after breaking her heart a second time. This. This is all my fault. But what was really beginning to bother was, what is the significance of the key supposed to be?

_I hate myself for losing you_

_(I'm seeing it all so clear)_

_I'm seeing it all so clear_

_I hate myself for losing you_

_What do you do when you look in the mirror_

_And staring at you is why he's not here?_

_What do you say when everything you said?_

_Is the reason why he left you in the end?_

_How do you cry when every tear you shed_

_Won't ever bring him back again?_

_I hate myself for loving you_

I walk over to my truck, the street light glinting off of the paint…And where paint was missing. Taking the whole scene, I swear under my breath.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Grey's Anatomy. Cause if I did, there would be more shower scenes of McDreamy and McSteamy.

So, this was only supposed to be a one shot. But I just keep getting these ideas…

It wasn't supposed to turn out this way. I didn't mean to break up Callie and George. I never liked her, but come on. The naked peeing thing would freak ANYBODY out. I really don't care that she didn't know Meredith and I were home. It is not her house. I'm proud of my body. I walk around in my underwear. But at least it's bras and panties. She likes to walk around completely naked. I think I've seen more of her body than I've ever seen of my own. But I'm getting off track.

The first time George and I…. Well, we were drunk and he was complaining about Callie and her insecurities. I swear I was the supportive best friend. Telling him to apologize. That everything would be fine. It was killing me, but I told him what he wanted to hear. And we just kept drinking. And drinking. And drinking.

_I've given up on giving up slowly, I'm blending in so_

_You won't even know me apart from this whole world that shares my fate_

_This one last bullet you mention is my one last shot at redemption_

_because I know to live you must give your life away_

_And I've been housing all this doubt and insecurity and_

_I've been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key_

_And I've been dying to get out and that might be the death of me_

_And even though, there's no way in knowing where to go, promise I'm going because_

_I gotta get outta here_

_I'm stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake_

_I gotta get outta here_

_And I'm begging You, I'm begging You, I'm begging You to be my escape._

I just needed to forget everything. With Denny. The possibility of Meredith dying. Everything. And well… I can't speak for George but things were rocky in his relationship with Callie.

_I'm giving up on doing this alone now_

_Cause I've failed and I'm ready to be shown how_

_He's told me the way and I'm trying to get there_

_And this life sentence that I'm serving_

_I admit that I'm every bit deserving_

_But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair_

I was the first to wake up to find George…And myself… very naked. I had to check to make sure, though. Because sleeping with your best friend is fine. Sleepovers and whatnot. I'd slept with George and Meredith before. But _sleeping _with your best friend is COMPLETELY different. George and I talked and decided that it was a mistake. A one time mistake that would never-- could never—happen again.

_Cause I've been housing all this doubt and insecurity and_

_I've been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key_

_And I've been dying to get out and that might be the death of me_

_And even though, there's no way in knowing where to go, promise I'm going because_

_I gotta get outta here_

_Cause I'm afraid that this complacency is something I can't shake_

_I gotta get outta here_

_And I'm begging You, I'm begging You, I'm begging You to be my escape._

And then it just kept happening again and again. George could make me forget Denny and everything. I mean, we have this intense friendship connection and each time… It feels like we're intensifying that friendship. Making it stronger, more real.

_I am a hostage to my own humanity_

_Self detained and forced to live in this mess I've made_

_And all I'm asking is for You to do what You can with me_

_But I can't ask You to give what You already gave_

And then we just couldn't stop because we were finding solace in each other that we could never find anywhere else, with no one else. I may not like Callie, but this was never about her or my feelings about her. This was about escaping from everything in the one place that feels like home.

_Cause I've been housing all this doubt and insecurity and_

_I've been locked inside that house all the while you hold the key_

_And I've been dying to get out and that might be the death of me_

_And even though, there's no way in knowing where to go, promise I'm going because_

_I've gotta get outta here_

_I'm stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake_

_I've gotta get outta here_

_And I'm begging You, I'm begging You, I'm begging_

_You to be my escape._

And we did try and fight this. Actually, I tried to fight it. I didn't want to let go of Denny. But I had finally come to understand that I could move on and still hold on to Denny's memory. Maybe if I'd come to that conclusion sooner… Maybe then… Maybe he wouldn't have gone after Callie and answered me when I asked what I was to him.

_I fought You for so long_

_I should have let You in_

_Oh how we regret those things we do_

_And all I was trying to do was save my own skin_

_But so were You_

_So were You_


	4. Chapter 4

_State the obvious_

_I didn't get my perfect fantasy_

_I realize you love yourself_

_More that you could ever love me_

_So go and tell your friends_

_That I'm obsessive and crazy_

_That's fine, I'll tell mine_

_You're gay and by the way_

So, apparently he's telling the whole hospital that I'm crazy now. Completely flew the cuckoo's nest. Because of his truck. But he cheated on ME. And with that beach blonde TRAMP of all people. He insisted there was nothing there. That he didn't have feelings for her and there was no way she had feelings for him. Lied to my face about it.

_I hate that stupid old pickup truck_

_You never let me drive_

_You're a redneck, heartbreak_

_Who's really bad at lyin'_

_So watch me strike a match_

_On all my wasted time_

_As far as I'm concerned_

_You're just another picture to burn_

Sleeping with McSteamy probably wasn't the best idea. He's dirty, but the sex is so…. Damn. I understand why Addison cheated on McDreamy with him. George and I weren't even together the first time I hooked up with McSteamy. We were MARRIED when he decides to sleep with Izzie. I think I really got him where it hurts when he found out that I slept with Alex a few nights ago.

_There's no time for tears_

_I'm just sitting here planning my revenge_

_Nothing stopping me_

_From going out with all of your best friends_

_And if you come around saying sorry to me_

_My daddy's going to show you how sorry you'll be_

There's no way I'm taking him back after hooking up with Izzie. No one cheats on Calliope Torres and gets a second chance. My parents are coming up next weekend. Originally it was to meet the happy couple. Now my dad is ready to throw down with the man who broke his baby's heart.

_Cause I hate that stupid old pickup truck_

_You never let me drive_

_You're a redneck, heartbreak_

_Who's really bad at lyin'_

_So watch me strike a match_

_On all my wasted time_

_As far as I'm concerned_

_You're just another picture to burn_

I signed the divorce papers today. Handed them to him in front of his whole McFamily. Izzie looked defiant. Christina, a little uncomfortable. Alex as cocky as always. Meredith… Meredith was hard to read. She was the one I really thought I could be friends with in the whole McFamily.

_And if you're missing me_

_You better keep it to yourself_

_Cause coming back around here_

_Would be bad for your health_

George looked… Like he was about to say that he missed me. I couldn't handle hearing that, so I hit him and Izzie where it hurts. I told Alex to call me later if he was up for a good time. I don't think I've ever seen either one of them look so shocked.

_Cause I hate that stupid old pickup truck_

_You never let me drive_

_You're a redneck, heartbreak_

_Who's really bad at lyin'_

_So watch me strike a match_

_On all my wasted time_

_In case you haven't heard_

_I really, really hate that stupid old pickup truck_

_You never let me drive_

_You're a redneck, heartbreak_

_Who's really bad at lyin'_

_So watch me strike a match_

_On all my wasted time_

_As far as I'm concerned_

_You're just another picture to burn_

_Burn, burn, burn, baby burn_

_Just another picture to burn_

_Baby, burn_


	5. Chapter 5

_Something 'bout the way you looked at me._

_Made me think for a moment._

_That maybe we were meant to be._

_Living our lives seperately._

_And it's strange that things change._

_But not me wanting you._

_So desperately._

Things around here… Have been…Tense, I guess is the best word to describe it. The whole Callie and George thing. Then there's the Mark thing. And his man whoring. Or lack of man whoring. Lack of supposed man whoring, anyway. I'm not really sure that I believe him, I mean, he looked like it was killing him for the first week. But now… Not so much.

_Oh, why can't I ignore it?_

_I keep giving in, but I should know better._

_'Cause there was something 'bout the way you looked at me._

_And it's strange that things change._

_But not me wanting you._

_So desperately._

I honestly have no idea why we kept ending up in bed. I know it's Mark. I know his reputation better than anyone. Well, except for Derek. Even Derek overlooked it all through college and even up until Mark slept with me. Of course that was before he knew about Nancy sleeping with Mark. And the rest of his sisters. Seriously. Mark is a right of passage.

_You looked my way and said "you frustrate me."_

_Like you're thinking of lines and times._

_When you and I were you and me._

_We took our chance out on the street._

_Then I missed my chance._

_And chances are it won't be coming back to me._

I think I am liking this new unsexed Mark. He just slid up behind me to tell me that I frustrate him with this "silly" idea that to prove his love for me he has to be completely celibate for… Was it 60 days? I can't remember. I just can't believe he has lasted as long as he has.

_Why can't I ignore it?_

_I keep giving in but I should know better._

_'Cause there was something 'bout the way you looked at me._

_And it's strange that things change._

_But not me wanting you._

_So desperately._

_So desperately._

Who knows. Maybe I won't let him wait that long. I mean, this whole idea is beginning to seem… Kind of silly. I mean, why should I deprive myself of the good sex that Mark could so readily provide?

_Why can't I ignore it?_

_I keep giving in but I should know better._

_'Cause there was something 'bout the way you looked me._

_And it's strange that things change._

_But not me wanting you._

_So desperately._

My head happened to be buried in a chart while walking down the stairs when Callie put a hand on my arm.

"I slept with Mcsteamy"

Well, there goes that idea.

_I want you so desperately._

_I keep giving in but I should know better._

_I keep giving in but I should know better._

_So desperately._

_I want you so desperately._

"I thought you said no sex."

"Yeah, well. That was after I found out you slept with Callie."

So we fell into bed again. Can you really blame me? The sex is amazing.


	6. Chapter 6

_I got smoke in my hair _

_My clothes thrown everywhere _

_Woke up in my rocking chair _

_Holding a beer in my_ hand

_Sporting a neon tan_

What happened? I really don't remember a whole lot from last night. I mean. I remember Joe's. Being there with Izzy, Meredith, Derek, Alex, Christina and Burke… And I'm still holding a bottle of beer. And I'm on Meredith's front porch on the swing. My back is KILLING me.

_My stereo cranked up _

_I can't find my truck _

_How'd I get home from the club _

_Ain't got a clue what went down _

_So I started calling around _

And so's my head, for that matter. My hand slips into my pocket, searching until my hand closes over my cell phone. I slip it out and flip it open to find 12 missed calls. Apparently Meredith and Izzy had been tag teaming me since 5 this morning. There's even one from Alex and Christina.

_And all my friends say _

_I started shooting doubles _

_When you walked in _

_All my friends say _

_I went a little crazy _

_Seeing you with him _

_You know I don't remember a thing _

_But they say I sure was raising some game _

_I was a rock star, party hard, _

_Getting over you comeback kid _

_Yay I must have did _

_What all my friends say _

_Yeah, Yeah, Yeah _

The first voice mail was from Izzy.

"Hey Rock star. How's the head feeling? What time are you supposed to come in today?"

Rock star? When did Izzy start calling me rock star? Meredith sent the next message.

"Hey George. You drank me under the table last night. I didn't know you had it in you. Derek was impressed. He didn't think anyone could drink more tequila than me."

Well, that explained the headache. The next message was from Alex.

"Dude. I didn't think anyone could out drink Meredith. And that hot little nurse that was all over you? That was awesome man. I bet you're feeling it today, aren't you?"

Well, that would also explain the teeth marks on my shoulder. The next voicemail was from Christina.

"Bambi, you were never this much fun before ortho chick. And you probably wouldn't have been that much fun last night if you hadn't seen ortho chick all over that guy."

I guess that's why I started the night of binge drinking.

_I found my billfold _

_I cried oh no no _

_Good time Charlie got me now I'm broke _

_But it was worth acting like a fool _

_Yeah girl I must have really showed you _

_Cause all my friends say _

_I started shooting doubles _

_When you walked in _

_All my friends say _

_I went a little crazy _

_Seeing you with him _

_You know I don't remember a thing _

_But they say I sure was raising some game _

_I was a rock star, party hard, _

_Getting over you comeback kid _

_Yay I must have did _

_What all my friends say _

_Yeah, Yeah, Yeah _

Sighing and rubbing a hand over my face, I stood up and walked into Meredith's house. Meredith had been letting me spend the nights on her couch until I found somewhere more permanent to stay. Izzy had suggested her room, but she'd been doing the super cheery let's pretend nothing's wrong thing since the night that Callie found out. It was how she was dealing with me not answering her about what she was to me. There hasn't been any yelling. Or screaming. Just bubbliness. She knows I need her right now. As a friend, anyway, nothing more.

_I was Elvis rocking on the bar _

_Working the crowd pouring out my heart _

_And all my friends say _

_I started shooting doubles _

_When you walked in _

_All my friends say _

_I went a little crazy _

_Seeing you with him _

_You know I don't remember a thing _

_But they say I sure was raising some game _

_I was a rock star, party hard, _

_Getting over you comeback kid _

_Yay I must have did _

_What all my friends say _

_Yeah, Yeah, Yeah_

"Hey killer. How's the head?"

"I'm never drinking that much again, Joe. Ever."

"Just tell me one thing. Are we going to get a repeat of you rocking out like Elvis on top of the bar? Cause I've been getting requests…."


	7. 999 Sure

**Disclaimer: **Ha ha. Half the time I don't remember to write one. But, ya. I don't own Grey's Anatomy or any of the songs that I've used. Because, seriously, I am just NOT that cool.

To those of you that have reviewed, you guys are awesome. For those of you that haven't reviewed, you should. I like reviews. They're kind of addictive, like alcohol but without the morning after hang over.

_You don't know what you do to me_

_You changed around the scenery_

_And now everything is new to me_

_But it looks just right, yeah it looks just right_

_Whoa, it's strange but it's beautiful_

_Yeah, and I know where I am_

Okay, it feels like the twilight zone around here. I mean, seriously. George cheated on Callie with Izzie. Alex has been prancing a different girl through my house every night since he moved in. Christina and Burke… Are dysfunctional when they're at their best. And I've always been dark and twisty dysfunctional Meredith who might just like to have a wee bit too much fun with the opposite sex.

_Oh, I never been here before_

_I've never been loved like this_

_Never been tumblin', stumblin' over the words that get tangled inside of me_

_I've never been moved this way_

_Nobody's ever made me say_

_I'm ninety-nine point nine percent sure I've never been here before_

And right now, I'm the one with the semi-functional relationship? The only one in a good relationship? Derek and I have our problems, don't get me wrong. Everything hasn't been moonbeams and rainbows. He's been… hovering? Hovering is a good word for it. He's been hovering over me ever since the ferryboat accident.

_I'm walkin' in a wonderland_

_Gone ever since it all began_

_And I don't even want to understand_

_'Cause it feels that good, yeah it feels that good_

_It's a state that ain't on a map_

_Yet I know where I'm at_

But it's ok. I don't mind the hovering. As long as it doesn't interfere with work. I'm okay with it. Because I enjoy spending time with Derek. I admit it. I've been on cloud nine or whatever since we got back together. Completely over the moon for him, except for the lapse of dark and twistyness when my mom called me ordinary. But I'm getting through that. Derek is helping me get through that.

_Oh, I've never been here before_

_I've never been loved like this_

_Never been tumblin', stumblin' over the words that get tangled inside of me_

_I've never been moved this way_

_Nobody's ever made me say_

_Ninety-nine point nine percent sure I've never been here before_

_Ninety-nine point,ninety-nine point_

_Na,na,na,na,na,na,na,na,na,na_

_Ninety-nine point,ninety-nine point_

_Na,na,na,na,na,na,na,na,na,na_

I still can't believe we're back together. And that he's no longer married. It finally seems like things are starting to fall into place for me. At least on the relationship front. I've never been here before, completely uncharted territory for me. It's scary and nauseating and exhilarating all at once. But I feel bad. Should I feel bad for finally being happy? I mean, with dead mommy always in my mind and everything with Izzy and Callie and George. George deserves so much more than what he's been getting. I mean, it was his own fault about Callie. But who am I to judge? I willingly slept with a married man. I just thought George had better judgment than me. And Izzie. Izzie's a smart girl. Everything with Denny and Alex… They both deserve to be happy. And so does Callie. I mean, she might have gone all cage fighter on me once, but it was because she thought I'd told a secret. She still deserves to be happy.

_It's a state that ain't on a map_

_Yet I know where I'm at_

_Oh,I never been here before_

_I've never been loved like this_

_Never been tumblin',stumblin' over the words that get tangled inside of me_

_I've never been moved this way_

_Nobody's ever made me say_

_I'm ninety-nine point nine per cent sure I've never been here before_

I set my magazine down on the night table and stretch my toes towards the bottom of the bed and look over at Derek. He's doing his best to try to fall asleep. To ignore the fact that he's in my bed. With me. But it's not really working. He looked like he was asleep when I got here. And really, I didn't want to disturb him. We're doctors. We don't get much time to sleep. It'd been a long day for both of us. I'm still in the process of winding down from such a hectic day. My brain won't quit buzzing with activity.

_I've never been here before_

_I've never been loved like this_

_Never been tumblin, stumblin' over the words that get tangled inside of me_

_I've never been moved this way_

_Nobody's ever made me say_

_Ninety-nine point nine per cent sure I've never been here before_

"Hey. So you're done ignoring me?"

"Ignoring you? You were the one with his back to me when I got into bed."

"I didn't hear you. Ear plugs." Derek pulls out the earplugs in question.

"I'm glad you're in my bed."

"Me, too" Derek rolls onto his back and I climb under the covers and curl up next to him.

_No, I've never been here before_

_I've never been here before (I've never moved this way)_

_I've never been here before_

_Ninety-nine point nine per cent sure I've never been here before_

It's good to be in a semi-functional relationship for once.


	8. Rain

I know what we did was wrong. I know. I'm not really sure what we were thinking. Right now, when it comes to George, I'm completely clueless. And it's just so… weird. We've always been on the same wavelength, but now…

_It's hard to listen to a hard hard heart_

_Beating close to mine_

_Pounding up against the stone and steel_

_Walls that I won't climb_

_Sometimes a hurt is so deep deep deep_

_You think that you're gonna drown_

_Sometimes all I can do is weep weep weep_

_With all this rain falling down_

It was a mistake. It was. I know this. But… It wasn't… a horrible one. I don't know what I expected to happen when we continued doing what we were doing. I don't know what I expected to happen when Callie found out. I was too caught up in the moment… And in feeling. Really feeling.

_Strange how hard it rains now_

_Rows and rows of big dark clouds_

_When I'm holding on underneath this shroud_

_Rain_

Meredith says I should just give George time. She is the queen of dark and twistyness. Although, I'm beginning to think that I could give her a run for her crown. When did that happen? I never thought of myself as dark and twisty until now.

_Its hard to know when to give up the fight_

_Two things you want will just never be right_

_Its never rained like it has tonight before_

_Now I don't wanna beg you baby_

_For something maybe you could never give_

_I'm not looking for the rest of your life_

_I just want another chance to live_

So I'm trying to give him time. Be his friend. He even said something about giving him time. So I've been backing off, except for the day after he got trashed. But I was worried about him. Seriously, no one can out drink Mer, and anyone who tries always ends up bedridden the next day. Well, more like bathroomridden. If that makes sense. Bedridden but in the bathroom. Stuck in the bathroom.

_Strange how hard it rains now_

_Rows and rows of big dark clouds_

_When I'm holding on underneath this shroud_

_Rain_

Anyway. That's not the point. The point is… Who am I kidding? George doesn't want me. That's why he didn't answer me. So, not only am I giving him time… I'm letting him go. Except for the friendship.

_Strange how hard it rains now_

_Rows and rows of big dark clouds_

_When I'm holding on underneath this shroud_

_Rain_

I need him to make it through day-to-day life. And the fact that my daughter needed a bone marrow transplant… He may need time, but I need him right now. He stood by me when they took out the bone marrow for my daughter. That's when I knew. I need George to make it through. Even if it's only as a friend.

_Strange how hard it rains now_

_Rows and rows of big dark clouds_

_When I'm still alive underneath this shroud_

_Rain Rain Rain_

She said that she doesn't want to know me. She's not strong enough right now. Who am I kidding? Neither am I. That doesn't mean that I didn't want her to want me.


	9. I Hate You

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Grey's Anatomy. I do not own the song that I have used. I am a poor college student. I'm lucky that I own my own pair of flip flops, let alone a whole show. _  
_

_Some stupid chick in the checkout line_

_Was paying for beer with nickels and dimes_

_And some old man who clipped coupons_

_Had argued whenever they wouldn't take one_

_All I wanted to was buy some cigarettes_

_But I couldn't take it anymore so I left_

Bambi is freaking staying in my apartment. Again. Burke says that George has problems. That he needs us. Unless it's surgical, it's not my problem.

_I hate everyone_

_I hate everyone_

_I hate everyone_

_I hate everyone_

I like my space. I enjoy my space. Especially away from the hospital. I mean, seriously. We're together 80 hours a week as it is. And we all usually go out to Joe's after work. Is it really necessary to live with one of the other interns? I mean, Meredith, Izzie and George made it work. Now Alex is making it work with Izzie and Mer. But I am not them.

_All the people on the street, I hate you all_

_And the people that I meet, I hate you all_

_And the people that I know, I hate you all_

_And the people that I don't, I hate you all_

_Oh, I hate you all_

I honestly don't know how Meredith does it. Izzie with all her bubbly goodness. I guess she really hasn't been all bubbly lately. With the whole Denny thing, and then the George thing. And she's been moping around lately. Not really talking to anyone but George. When George feels like talking to her, anyway. So Callie found out. Big deal. You should have been the big man to tell her that you were either doing your best friend or in love with her. Whatever it is with those two.

_Some f------ asshole just cut me off_

_And gave me the finger when I fucking honked_

_Then he proceeded to put on the brakes_

_He slammed on the brakes, but I made a mistake_

_When I climbed out of my van he was waiting_

_But he was six three and two hundred pounds of Satan_

Then there's Alex. I knew he was bad news from the start. When he called Meredith a nurse, I knew. I don't know why Meredith asked him to move in. He's "our people". What does that mean? Our people. Even he's been moping around here since Jane Doe flipped out on him.

_I hate everyone_

_I hate everyone_

_I hate everyone_

_I hate everyone_

If it wasn't for Meredith, I'd go crazy around here. And the Southern Comfort. Since George has been staying with us, I've drinking a little of that every night. God. Go back to Izzie already. Then you can stop sleeping on my couch. Our couch. Whatever. What's his is going to be mine soon anyway.

_All the people on the street, I hate you all_

_And the people that I meet, I hate you all_

_And the people that I know, I hate you all_

_And the people that I don't, I hate you all_

_Oh, I hate you all _

Burke and his whole "O'malley's my guy." Damnit. I don't get them. At all. Whatever.

_I bet you think I'm kidding_

_But I promise you its true_

_I hate most everybody_

_But most of all I hate_

_Oh, I hate you_

"What are you thinking about?"

"Nothing."

"You're thinking about something."

"How much longer is he going to be staying?"

"He needs a place to stay."

"Why can't he stay on Meredith's couch? He was fine there."

"Because he needs some space from Izzie."

"Whatever."

_All the people on the street, I hate you all_

_And the people that I meet, I hate you all_

_And the people that I know, I hate you all_

_And the people that I don't, I hate you all_

_And the people in the east, I hate you all_

_And the people I hate least, I hate you all_

_And the people in the west, I hate you all_

_And the people I like best, I hate you all_

_Oh, I hate you all_

I can handle the sleeping on the couch. Really. I'll complain about it, but I'll handle it. Even when he cut his hair. I could handle that. But there is one thing I cannot handle. It's that damn clarinet. He brings it out, I'm bringing a scalpel home. I know how to make it look like an accident.


	10. Holes

_There's three in the wall from those pictures in the closet_

_Two in the bedroom from that night I lost it_

_One deep inside me determined to stay_

_They don't get any bigger but they don't go away_

_Holes in and around me I keep falling back into_

_Holes digging its around me_

_God knows what I'm gonna do_

_To fill in these holes left by you_

_Left by you_

I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I… I… I don't know if I'm strong enough. I mean, I love her, I want her, I want to be with her… But… I don't know. She didn't swim. She didn't swim.

_I pour drink after drink but nothing hit bottom_

_I've been on my knees admitted my problem_

_The love that we made still barely an echo_

_I'll try anything in these vacant hollow_

Just thinking of a world without her… It feels so empty. So…lifeless. But if there's a chance. Where she might not want to fight. Might not want to live. Might want to stop swimming again. I don't know if I can handle that.

_Holes in and around me I keep falling back into_

_Holes digging its around me_

_God knows what I'm gonna do_

_To fill in these holes left by you_

_Left by you_

And then there's the whole chief thing. I didn't come out here to fall in love. Very much the opposite. I came because I was running. From Addison. From Mark. From the sight of the two of them actually in the throws of passion. I came here to be chief. And if it comes down to Meredith or being chief…

_There's two through my hands and one through my feet_

_From this cross that I bare to the day that I see_

_Its guilt and its blame its shame and its love_

I don't know what I'll pick. Seeing Thatcher hit her. Slap her across the face… and she wouldn't even let me help. After saying that she was trying to let me in. That she really wanted to let me in. She ran. Crying. Away from me. Not towards me. I don't know what to do. When I stopped by her place she was doing shots of tequila with Izzy and Alex. I didn't know what to do. So. I walked away.


End file.
